AP Psychology babies come alive, collectively enroll in Jazz Band

In a sudden turn of events, psychology students’ dolls, made of only beans, socks and rubber bands, sprung to life last week after some kid named Jack made a mad dash through campus muttering about beanstalks.

Sources say dozens of magical beans had fallen from his pockets mid-scurry. WHHS, never one to turn down free beans, scooped them up and donated them to psychology teachers for their upcoming baby projects.

The self-elected leader of the dolls, Bellybutton (no last name, “like Beyonce”), replaced the former Jazz Band teacher, and will be conducting a doll-only performance in the auditorium later this month. 

Their sound is strikingly beautiful but slightly lacking in the woodwind section, considering none of the dolls have mouths. The logistics of the 7-inch-tall dolls playing full-sized instruments is still in question, but they make it work.

What the end of the world would mean for WHHS parking

In more recent news, it’s been revealed that the WHHS parking lots could be at risk in the instance of Armageddon, and here’s why:

As most people know, the parking lots are powered by harvesting unused energy from cars. 

However, the moment the world is swept into chaos, cars may become obsolete, thus leaving these lots powerless and dormant.

The WHHS parking lots are starting a GoFundMe to prevent the end of the world… somehow.

Speculators claim that global troubles could be closer than we think, citing the WHHS boys’ bathroom as their primary source of evidence (Don’t believe me? Walk in any WHHS bathroom and see for yourself. It’s a toilet water battlefield.)

“I’m afraid of the end of the world,” a WHHS administrator was overheard saying, surely in reference to the school’s parking lots.

Student wears underwear on forehead to get the school a snow day, but at what cost?

(Back shot of student with underwear on head looking out at the snow)

In a stark attempt at prolonging the winter break, SENIOR Saya Mampath went to sleep Sunday night with her underwear atop her head.

It turns out, Mampath must have slept in too much because what started off as one snow day turned into a week-long snowstorm wreaking havoc

on the Midwest and accumulating 19.1 inches of snow in less than a week, according to WLWT 5.

Students were only called in for one day the entire first week back, the other days being chalked up to snow days and cold days.

Rumors are surfacing of teachers and aggravated snow-shovelers plotting a way to exact their revenge on Mampath for the wrench she threw in all of their lives. 

However, skiers and sleepy students alike assure Mampath that they will have her back in the event of any attack.

Students talk in hallway during fire drill, imaginary flames engulf school

Last week’s fire drill started out as a simple attempt to prepare students in the situation of a fire but became something much worse.

After repeated warnings, two students, still unnamed by the press (me) at this time, maintained a conversation amidst the fire alarm. As a direct result, the imaginary fire, originating from the science wing, quickly took over the school.

“I just wish people took fire drills more seriously,” my imaginary friend Wallace, ‘25, said. “I hope this will be an eye-opening experience for many students to conduct fire drills in complete silence.”

Imaginary firefighters swiftly went to work dousing the school in imaginary water, but unfortunately, the damage had already been done. Imaginary students won’t be permitted to return to campus for months until the school is reconstructed.

English department creates new elective: “Choosing courses I,” no one knows how to enroll

With new classes being instituted every year at WHHS, like Advanced Computer Programming Project and AP Pickleball, marketing for each course gets more and more difficult and contested. This problem required an ingenious and elegant solution, and that’s just what ILT (acronym) created.

The ILT (still an acronym) made a painstaking decision to institute another school course by the name of Choosing Courses I, where students will learn how to choose other courses to best fit their interests and future career goals.

“We have no plans to create a Choosing Courses II class,” the ILT (you guessed it: acronym) said. “We just felt that the “I” made it look more sophisticated.”

Thus far, zero students have shown continued interest in the course because they don’t know if it will be beneficial to them or not.

Discussions of another course titled Choosing Choosing Courses I are floating around. This class would teach students how to apply to Choosing Courses I, where they would learn how to choose courses. So far this solution appears flawless.

WHHS to enforce rolling backpacks on every student in the coming year

Due to their extreme cost and travel inefficiency, the WHHS administration has elected to put a school-wide ban on non-rolling backpacks. 

The leaders of WHHS dream of a reality of constant class disruption in the form of loud thuds whenever students need to traverse stairs, with shocking yelps as students trip over each other’s luggage. 

The rate of in-school falls has increased exponentially as rolling death totes weave around the halls in seek of mortal shins to conquer. Many people are equating this moment to the Razor scooter incident of 1978, but those who lived through the event are much more hesitant to make comparisons.

The validity of the word backpack is coming into question as these carriers stay almost constantly on the ground. Groundpack doesn’t quite have that ring though, does it? We’re working on that.