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People enjoy using the expression that acceptance comes from within, not from others. Maybe they think it makes them a little wiser; I’m not really sure. But who are they really fooling? Everyone struggles with acceptance.
Everyone has had at least one point in their life where they let others affect who they are or what their next move is.
We yearn for social approval; we want to feel safe in a community because of our learned behavior of not being the outcast. Yet, if we crave acceptance so deeply, why do we feel the need to brush it off when it’s handed to us?
This isn’t a healthy reaction, but it’s unfortunately normal.
If you couldn’t tell by (hopefully) reading my past articles, I love to write about things I feel very deeply about. I’ve gotten so many compliments from different people who explain that they relate to them in a way.
I’ve even had the lovely experience of receiving a letter from a substitute teacher who read my article and told me he was sure to see my name on the best-selling list one day.
Nevertheless, in my mind, none of my articles can possibly be as great as people describe them to be. I love the ideas I come up with to write about, but once I finally write them, I feel like it doesn’t live up to my expectations. And the more time passes once it’s published, the more mistakes I think of. “Why did I say this?” or “Why didn’t I add this?”
It’s like I’m almost actively seeking out negatives. I want the raw truth; I don’t want anyone saying I did well just to say it.
Sometimes I don’t even remember the impact any positive comments had on me, because I can only focus on what I could have done better.
A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting down with my older cousin at his kitchen counter. I like to tell him about anything big going on in my life because he’s great at giving advice.
If I can paint you a vivid picture, because my News Production teacher wants me to work on descriptive writing, I had about four Chips Ahoy! cookies stuffed in my mouth at one time while trying to tell him about whatever the big thing that I didn’t want to do at that time was.
He looked me in my eyes and asked if there had ever been a time when I had backed down from a challenge.
Instead of taking that in, I thought about the chemistry test I didn’t study for enough because I was tired from swim practice. I thought about how I gave up trying to solve the practice ACT math question on the board and instead zoned out for the next five minutes.
I thought about everything I’ve ever just given up on instead of focusing on the fact that he saw this amazing part of me, something I couldn’t even recognize for myself. I felt like a fraud.
I think that’s part of the reason so many struggle with accepting compliments. Once somebody points out something amazing that they see in us, even if somewhere deep down we agree, we feel pressure — as if there’s this invisible contract we sign to always live up to that thing, to never let anyone down.
Many also don’t want to seem too overconfident. If they agree with the fact that they are “this,” the second they mess up, it feels over for them.
Compliments are easier to accept if they align with our self-view, if we really see that in ourselves. But we often sell ourselves short and don’t take pride in our accomplishments, big or small, setting us up for failure. If we can’t feel pride for ourselves, we’ll never let anyone feel pride for us.
I had the pleasure of interviewing different people for this article; As much as I love hearing myself talk, I thought it was time to add some different voices.
The first person I sat down with was the lovely Penny Hedrick, the WHHS treasurer, possibly the first person I’ve ever interviewed who asked for my opinion on the topic as well.
She, too, has a difficult time accepting compliments, especially when speaking about her job.
“For me, it’s one of those things where I’m supposed to do my best all the time,” Hedrick said. “When somebody says something like that, I’m kind of thrown off because I’m just doing what I think is expected.”
She believes that there’s no need to change the topic or put yourself down when complimented, because nobody who’s trying to praise you wants to hear that; a simple thank you will get the job done.
“I try to give them more than I get them; I think that’s what you’re supposed to do,” Hedrick said.
Even if we try to be generous with our praise, taking it in will always feel harder.
“It’s hard,” Hedrick said. “It’s nice to be acknowledged, but I have a harder time because my expectations for myself are pretty high up there. I think a lot of people are kind of that way.”
Next, I interviewed a fellow swimmer, revealing a wiser side of him that I hadn’t seen before — not that you aren’t wise all the time, Josh. I wanted an athlete’s perspective on this issue as well.
On the disappointing occasion when you don’t perform well in your sport, the awkward walk back to your teammates and coach can be a struggle, especially when the “pity compliments” start rolling in.
“If I did badly in a sport or had a bad game and somebody is trying to compliment me, I don’t really like that because I know personally that I did bad, so if somebody tells me I did [well] it’s kind of meaningless,” Joshua Scharff, ‘27, said. “If I did something that I achieved well and people liked that, I would feel better about my work. It really depends on the situation.”
Perhaps we overthink these so-called “pity compliments.” It might feel embarrassing in the moment, but maybe the people giving them are the right ones to be around, because they search for the good in you.
“People aren’t gonna compliment you because you did something bad, they’re gonna pick out things you did good, and even if you don’t believe it’s good, other people see a really great thing that you should be proud of.” Scharff said.
Maybe the real problem isn’t that people throw around compliments too freely, but that we struggle to believe them.
Whether it’s because our expectations for ourselves are too high, or it’s because we’re constantly stuck replaying our mistakes, it’s very easy to overlook the good that other people see in us.
So maybe accepting a compliment doesn’t mean that we are promising to be perfect all the time; it just means that we can finally allow ourselves to hear the good things that other people notice about us.
And maybe the next time someone says something about our work, our effort and who we are, the best response won’t be complicated. It will be a simple thank you, and we’ll actually mean it.